Lupus sucks

Yea I got that from a t-shirt! Though I didn't need a t-shirt to tell me that. I am beaten to a pulp at the minute. I'm really worried about having to move when I get back and not having a place to live. Not to mention I'm worried about all the music I have to learn/relearn/record (could careless about the stupid recording), but still, just a little bit of stress. Or a lot, and tonight, Christmas Eve (Merry Christmas) I FEEL LIKE SHIT! But I'm not in a whining mood, hehe, don't have the energy!

"We were the challengers of the unknown..." -New Pornographers

Wow, its been awhile. I guess I've been doing more personal journal writing and spending my late nights in the practice room. Er, practice garage is a better word for it!

So, I played this solo recital on Sunday. It was my first solo recital in 2 years and I played almost the entire thing for memory. I wasn't nervous but my brain wasn't focusing as well as I would have liked it to. I had a few memory things, but afterwards, I spent the entire week blowing each mistake out of proportion. I blew it so far out of proportion that I created a concert, in my head, that was just one big disastrous mistake. I wanted to forget it happened. It got so bad, I wanted to quit harp again. I thought I was the worst harpist/musician to live on the planet. I was in another rut. Normally, I would have rolled in the rut like a pig in mud and stayed there for weeks, letting my wounds just fester until the pain was so bad that I lost all ability to function. I turned a good (not great, but good) recital into the worst event to happen in years. I was SO embarrassed I didn't want to go back to work to see my colleagues, and I was stuck.

But, this time, I fought back. Even though I still think the "good" recital was a complete disaster, I found a way around it. I found a way out of the darkness, even with minimal contact with one of my best friends. This best friend is the one that normally helps me nurse my wounds. He was out of town and I had to either continue gouging my eyes out, enforcing my severe self hatred, or a figure a way out.

I'm happy to say that I feel content. I pulled myself out. These are just things I cannot keep doing to myself, so, I'm somewhat proud for getting myself out...

Distorted Truths

How is that we become so filled with self-hatred and abuse that we don't even know where reality lies anymore? That's my question, and the answer is very simple. Its that way that we learned how to better ourselves. Pushing yourself becomes "YOU SUCK!" Its no longer "keep, trying, you can do better, you're don't great." There's no positive message in improvement. I improve because I just want to reach self-acceptance again.

I'm TIRED of this process. Its not working. Or, it IS working, but its making me miserable. I'm walking around in hell, just because I think it'll make me better. A better musician, a better friend, a better person. But, in reality, I can only be better if I believe I'm good to begin with. Being better than shit is nothing really. Being better than good, being better than loved is just something worth trying.

I don't CARE if I sound mushy, and I don't CARE if I sound all self-helpy. For fuck's sake, I need some self help already!!!

OK, that's what I have to say...

Three Reasons Your Relationships Don't Work

Reason Number 1: You pick the wrong guy.

Gee, thanks Cosmo. I love fashion magazines. Sometimes so random about the advice and I like clothes. I love how they constantly recycle advice and repackage it as some new, HUGE discovery. I mean, I wonder how many times Cosmo's 100 greatest sex moves (or whatever) have been posted. Yes, I still buy the magazines to laugh at the funny recycled sex tips and gawk at clothing.

I was reading that on the way back from Germany with the Symphony. It was a 2:00 PM flight and it seemed like a red eye. Everyone was asleep! Of course, I get to Germany and go on the second day to take my medication (in the form of patches, that are changed every three days) and low and behold, I brought an empty box. It LOOKED like a brand new closed box, but it wasn't. I was SO bummed because 1. being in lots of pain sucks 2. and spending all day in hospitals sucks. I had never been to Berlin and it was the ONLY day in which we had a few hours to roam around. So, I decided to just try and bite the bullet and go for it. I did tell our orchestra manager, though. Anyway, the next day, in Munich, a doctor came to the hotel. Prescribed the medicine, even DROVE me to the pharmacy. Such a nice person! And I got to feel normal. Only in minor pain with intermittent excruciating moments. OH, thank you Lupus/endometriosos/LHPS. If its not one of those choices, its going to be another.


You know, I have and issue telling a lot of people about this whole thing. Half the time I think "MAN, they must think I'm a hypochondriac!" And the whole not being able to drink thing is a MUCH bigger deal here than it ever was back in states. Every time I go out (which is not often now) its like "why aren't you drinking?" "What's WRONG with you?" Well, when people are out partying, do you think I really want to go off into my medical history and the fact that the combination of the medicine I'm on and alcohol has caused many overdose deaths? Yea, woohoo, I'll be the life of that party.

So, its been awhile since I posted a blog on Myspace. I wrote a few. They just were lost. And I definitely made sure they were copied at the time, but I just couldn't post them. So, I'm moving here. And now I'm going to try and go to sleep. I'm tired, but that doesn't mean I'll sleep...

hehehe!